Can't even think of a title

I know it has been ages since I have written. I don't know what to say. I feel pants. I feel so incredibly pants. I hate this. I hate everything about it. I feel like I am reaching the end of myself. I should explain, but I can't even be bothered. I am in a pit and I haven't got the energy to climb out.

I have been doing quite well at star5ving, and I know that the weekeneds are my binge time - I even told myself it was ok to do that as long as I didn't eat the rest of the week, and as long as I make myself sick after the binges.

Yesterday I big time binged because I had a stupid bbq for Dales birthday. WHY DOES EVERYTHING have to involve food? Why? I am so annoyed. Thing was, I couldn't even be bothered to throw it up OR take any lax's. I was that defeated. Its so easy to make plans, so easy to break them. I ate pizza thins morning, and made myself sick but not ebough. I feel crap.

I don't even feel like I deserve the title Bulimia anymore. I don't use lax's or make myself sick enough to deserve it. I am simply a binger. I just binge. I binge. I am a fat bitch. FAT FAT FAT. I so so so wanted to get below 9 stone and I was getting there. I really was, but now I am going to be so far away agin. I hate myself so much I really really do. I HATE myself.

I feel sick. I feel sick with myself. sick to my stomach. I HATE FOOD. Genuinely. I know I eat it and use it far too much. Seriously far too much. But I actually hate it. I don't think there is anything I hate more than food not even myself. I detest its existence. I need to scream and cry but I don't know how - I can't let it out. It seems so pointless. Its not going to help. At this point I am beginning to look forward to going to the group meeting thing because I hope it will be a bit of an outlet for these feelings. I just want to talk to people who understand and don't mind me making such a big deal out of something that to other people is so unimportant.

I really really just need to talk about it and cry about it. I really do. I hate this so much. Sometimes I think there is no point in this illness anymore. I am not going to make it, I am not going to be able to get as thin as I want to because I can't do it. I am not committed enough to losing weight and I am not committed enough to getting better. I can't do either. I am caught in the middle - somewhere between recovery and obsession.

I am obsessed, it is what I think about all the time. I must exercise. Tonight, I will go to the gym. Next week, I will eat nothing, except for Thursday where it is Dales birthday. I must not eat anything during the day on Thursday. Seriously. Kirsty, please don't give up. Come on. Please, just get to 8 stone. Come on, please.
Ephesians 4:27 "Do not give the Devil a way to defeat you"

And its Back

I guess its about time I blog again. I have been terrible since the last post. Eating loads (of bad stuff) and not getting rid of it as often as I previously would. I am back into size 12's. That is the ultimate disaster. It wasn't that long ago I was in size 8's. I don't think it will be too hard to get back to a 10, but beyond that is going to be tricky. Anyway, its depressed me so much, I have actually been managing to fast more regularly recently (of sorts). I have been having a skinny hot choc every morning, but throwing it up most of the time. Other than that I have only been having sultanas and milk in the evening before bed. Its been going ok, I managed it on every weekday last week, until Friday because I went out for a chinese with mum, dad and my aunt. Tht ruined the whole weekend. So it was a bad weekend, but I threw up lots so hopefully wont have done too much damage. I have been good again so far the last two days.

I am going to try to give up my sultanas and replace them with two oatcakes or one cereal bar. Sultanas are far too sugary, they are becomming an evil. It is so easy to eat 100g of them in one go and that is 290 calories! That's terrible.

Been struggling with exercise simply because of a lack of time. I have been walking almost every day, but not really gone to the gym much. I can't go tonight either because its busy busy tuesday. I will try to go tomorrow after meeting Ann.

Tomorrow I am meeting Ann to talk about what to do now my counsellor is leaving me. I am going to the doctor on Thursday morning, and it is so incredibly tempting to tell her not to worry about finding me any more help, that I am doing fine now and should be able to cope. It is soooo tempting, because then I would be free to lose weight, to 'start struggling' again, for a while before anyone notices, and then to be able to say, 'I tried, I really did, but I thought I could do it myself and I couldn't'. I know how to play the game, and playing the game feels like such a good option right now. I like having this much dedication to something. I miss her when whe goes away, (you know who I mean - that voice inside). I really miss her, and right now she is with me again, tentatively, but she is here and its nice. It feels less lonely, it feels good.

I found myself dreading the dirt inside my body again last night - that was something I used to worry about back when I was better at restricting. The thought of food inside feels horrible - all that stuff that often goes down the toilet is inside of me. How gross. I want to keep it clean. The hot chocolates in the morning aren't helping with that, but I am trying to take it slowly. At the moment if I give them up I can see myself going back to the very regular bingeing, so I will keep them in for the time being till I am stronger.

Even as I write all this, I can see the backwardness of it. The fact that I was seemingly getting better, and now have gone back to the making plans stage - to the wanting to have an ED stage - to the holding onto it for dear life stage. In all honesty, I don't know why I am back here, and I know I should be fighting it, not embracing it, and yet everything within me is hugging it with a welcome home.

Hmm, this may require a 'welcome home' poem. Watch this space!

Sorry I am back here again. Sorry I sound so up myself in it. I knwo this isn't clever or big or smart. I know its stupid, I know I am acting like a schoolgirl who thinks she can get so much attention from this, and is so special because she has an ED. I know it, and I'm sorry for it. I just want to tell the truth. This is the truth. Its who I really am. No hiding or pretending to be this all-together Christian who is really trying hard to get over a problem. No more excuses here in this diary. I have an eating disorder and I am struggling to even want to get better. I just want to be thin.

Ephesians 4:27 "Do not give the Devil a way to defeat you"