That Sunday Feeling

PLANS

Today I binged. I had been doing so well. Its typical of me on a Sunday. I am so cross with myself. I have trown up twice tonight. They tell you that you never get rid of more than half of what you put in when you throw up, so I am going to have some laxitives as well. That means ANOTHER Monday at work feeling VERY uncomfortable, and having to run off to the toilet all the time, and being grouchy. I can see it happening, and yet I have to do it. I have to. I can see the illogical-ness of it, and yet I still have to do it. What is this hold over me?

I also plan to starve it out tomorrow. I will not eat at all until the evening. I will try if possible to get away with eating nothing in the evening too, but I am going to Southend with Mum to see her sisters, and my aunty is a nurse and knows whats going on, and I am worried she might corner me at some point and make me eat. We'll see. If that happens, that happens, all I can do is try. So nothing tomorrow unless I am forced.

Tuesday is back to plan day. From tuesday, I will weigh everything, calorie count everything, and try to stick at 700 cals whilst still eating a 'nutritious amount' according to my counsellors rules. The helpful thing is that she doesn't realise how few calories the plan has in it. I will say 'oatcakes' rather than 1 oatcake, so that might give the illusion of more. I will say weetabix and not state the 'with water thing' so she might not question the no milk plan. I am going to get some of those low cal soups too and have those sometimes instead of salad because they will be easier to bring up. I will try to have skinny weight wathers chicken slices without stating that they are weight watchers. I will start occasionally replacing my evening chicken breast with those same chicken slices without saying thats what I mean by chicken. Technically, I am not lying.

I am also going to buy a secret set of bathroom scales that will hide under my wardrobe so my mum doesn't see them. She confiscated my last ones. I will start to graph my weigh again. I do better when I do that.

No more hot chocolates. THey are gone. Simply not an option anymore. AND I WILL go to the gym more regularly. I will walk from Tower Hill or Blackfriars EVERY DAY.

Feelings

Today I have been reminded that I often feel like a bit of a shell of a person; that I no longer know who I am; who I am supposed to be. What is me? What is my potential? My purpose? My Raison d'être? I guess if I could learn to stop looking at me and to start looking at God, I would stop needing to ask this question - but I can't seem to find Him. To be honest - I am not even trying. I don't want to believe in a farce; a dream that ends when you wake up; a hope that just keeps hoping and keeps getting disappointed; a faith that has been man made through generations and generations of Christians changing the meaning and the structure of the faith, however well meaning they were, into something that now hardly even resembles the mission and ministry of Jesus Christ. I don't know that that is what has happened - but I also don't know that it isn't. I naively believe in the authority of the Bible, and hold onto that belief for dear life - without being able to back it up in the face of people’s well reasoned and well researched arguments. I stand up for the church in its genuine desire to 'get the message right' and yet get so frustrated by the 'nicey nicey' style of church teaching we get today. People get so defensive about themselves if a preacher even tries to challenge their comfortable view of life and themselves. They have their nice little families going on, and their nice, ‘I go to Church on a Sunday thing’. Oh, yes, they get passionate about whether the worship style or the dress code or the rules and regulations or the freedom suits their fundamentally important needs and desires; but far be it from a preacher to challenge that comfortable lifestyle, or holler about the injustice of the world and our lack of compassion. Far be it from God's chosen messengers to speak of God's wrath and God's justice. Grace - yes - and rightly so, but grace is not what we preach it to be. It’s not ego stroking, 'you're worth it', 'God thinks you are beautiful', 'let’s make ourselves feel great'. That is really cheapening it. Its 'look at what you have done, and are doing, and are not doing - look at what price Jesus paid'. Let’s start understanding our worthlessness rather than pretending we are fine as we are. We aren't. It’s our worthlessness that makes God's sacrifice so great. God's sacrifice doesn't make me great. I am still a sinner. I am still pathetic, weak, and selfish. God is the great one. If anything EVER comes of my life it will be because he has performed some kind of miracle and used this inadequacy for His glory.So no, I will not start to think I am worth it. Instead I will try to start to think, God is worth it. He is worth me giving up this ridiculous diet-y type thing I've got going on. He is. Now I have to believe it. Lord, please help me to see that you are worth it - Lord, I believe - help my unbelief.

It’s all about You, Jesus,
And all this is for You, for Your glory and your fame.
Its not about me, as if You should do things my way.
You alone are God and I surrender to Your ways.

I wonder when I will actually mean this song; when I will be able to let myself go. Right now, this song is a lie to me. I can’t mean it. I can’t deny that it should be true. I think I want to see a miracle. But then again, 'Blessed are those who have not seen, and yet have believed.' John 20:29

Introduction

I do not know who will read this blog. I do not know whether my words and my experience will ever touch anyone, give another some hope, or even at the very least, some sense of understanding. I write them anyway in the hope that God may use my experience for anothers benefit. I do not have some warped sense that I am in the place I am in today because God has designed it that way: I do believe that what I am doing right now is sinful and that it is NOT God's choice - but I also believe that God can use anything - even the wrong doing of someone and turn it into a beautiful thing. I don't know whether He will. I leve that to him - and write these words anyway.

I have been struggling with my weight and my food intake since Easter 2006, although the diet that led up to it started in January 2006. The issues I have with myself started much earlier. I don't think I had one defining moment where I went from self-confident, bubbly, chasing after holiness, filled with passion and potential to the person I am today. I think it happened slowly - peices of me dropping off as I walked through my (still very young) life. I only hope that I can get the strenth and desire to get through this and to become a new version of myself. To become who I can be, the person God made me to be. I am no longer trying to be who I was in the past. I am going to have to put her behind me because too much has happened since then. One can only move forward. I hope I will start going in the right direction sometime soon.

I don't want to give a long history. There is no point and it will get boring. Lets just say that what started as an attempt to lose a bit of weight for a friends wedding (at which I was to be a bridesmaid), ended up in an obsession with calorie counting and regular exercise. I slowly cut out more and more of my fairly specific diet plan. I started by trying to store up calories to use in the evenings and at weekends - but then started to see the potential of simply not using them in order to lose more weight. I started skipping meals. I eventually went to the gym after work every day in order to avoid dinner times at home. I ate a minimal amount each day. My weeks usually consisted of 1 hot meal, ryvita and a lot of sultanas and milk and I usually tried to throw up after eating. I had some days with nothing at all. I lost weight but this phase didn't last long enough. I didn't even get to 8 stone. I pushed it too hard, and ruined it for myself. I started to binge. Very infrequently at first, but it was still happening, and I started to use laxitives quite often, and quite a lot. Eventually my family found out and I had to start eating again. Properly. I was doing ok for a few weeks, but I suddenly found that I couldn't stop eating. I ate far too much and started putting my weight back on. I started throwing up more regularly. Since then it has been a journey of sometimes binging and throwing up and using laxitives. Sometimes overeating and for some reason being unable to throw up. Sonetimes eating nothing. My weight fluctuates between 9 stone and 10 stone constantly, and yet I am still so desperate to be 8 stone. I now see a counsellor and have very recently started talking to the GP about it. Bulimia nervosa is my diagnosis. I want to get better, and yet I don't. Mostly I just want to get thin.

So that's the intro. That's where I am. I hope you will read on.