Father God
I know I have ignored you recently. I know I have not called on You, not asked for You, not chatted with You, and not cared about doing what You want. I know that I have had conversations with people where I have stood on a soapbox - had an opinion about something and expressed it vehemently. I know that those opinions mean nothing in the light of my dwindling relationship with You. Thankyou for still occupying that place in my heart. Thankyou that when I am doing this, You are genuinely still by my side. Thanks that I can't deny that. Thanks that its so real that I can't pretend its not true. Thanks for not giving up on me.
God I hate myself this morning. I know it is not the thing I am supposed to say, I know I am supposed to be getting better, and I know that in the light of all that's in the above paragrapgh, this is so self-absorbed and shows my 'victim' mindset. I know it shows complete ingrattitude. I hate myself even more because of that. God I can't seem to change how I feel. I hate myself because I am fat. I hate myself for my opinions. I hate my nose. I hate my chin. I hate that I want food all the time. I hate that I have such a lack of self-control right now. I hate that I can't maintain a refusal to eat. I hate that I am so fat. I hate it I hate me.
I know its awful and I would never never do it, but it would be so much easier to give up on life. One of the things I have realised about myself recently is that I want to be perfect, but I want that now. I don't want to have to work for it. I get upset that I can't do something, and don't cope with slow progress. I get lazy about making changes to my life that seem too big for me. I am lazy. I HATE MYSELF.
Lord when am I going to stop this? When am I going to change? When am I going to move on and stop thinking about myself. Why is it that I can know all this and still stuggle so much to make the changes to my life I know I need to make.
Who cares if I am fat. That doesn't make me a bad person. Why can I know that but still be soooooooo desperate to be slim; so jealous of people who have flat stomachs. Why does seeing them make me want to curl up in a ball in the corner of a dark cupboard and just stay there.
Why can I have moments of clarity where I decide to do the 'normal person eating' thing and then freak out later on and I think that I have ruined everything because I had something small to eat, and then go and buy junk and therefore make myself even fatter.
I didn't get into a pair of my trousers today. That made me want to cease to exist. What is with that? I am scared that I am not going to get into the outfit I have planned for my friends wedding and I am so scared about it. Really scared. You would think all this fear of fat would help me in my quest to stop eating. It doesn't make sense to me that I can hate it that much, that I can be that freaked out by it and that desperate to be thinner, and yet still binge. Still eat crap and lots of it. How do the two things fit together? It makes me think that I must be making it up. If my actions don't prove my feelings then I must be making my feelings up. But I am not. I am getting better at learning to believe myself about the way I feel, and I can honestly say that I am not lying. I am not making it up. I am actually getting like a fat person. I looked at myself properly in the mirror today and I shocked myself by the disgustingness of my own body. I am not lying about this - I am getting actually fat - not just mind fat, but physical fat. This NEEDS to stop and needs to stop soon. I am going to end up like Grandma if I don't stop this soon. I am scared and I can't see any way out. Its crashing down on top of me.
I wanted to tell you all this God because I know you know about it anyway, but I haven't been talking to you and you should be my first port of call. I know that you love me in spite of how I look. Part of me is grateful about that, but the other part knows I don't deserve that and so it annoys me a bit. Obviosuly I want your love and I am grateful and thankful. I don't know why I find myself kicking against it. I think its because I can't accept myself. Accepting your love in spite of how fat I am is like accepting myself in spite of how fat I am and I can't do that yet. I can't do that at all.
But honestly, its not actually ok to be fat is it?! We should be trying to be healthy. I am embarassed that I have let myself get like this. I am embarassed that fatness is an obvious way of people seeing that I am failing in my self-discipline. Thats one of the things that has always defined who I am, and for people to see I am failing in it - its shameful and I hate myself for it.
God help me.
Ephesians 4:27 "Do not give the Devil a way to defeat you"
