Introduction

I do not know who will read this blog. I do not know whether my words and my experience will ever touch anyone, give another some hope, or even at the very least, some sense of understanding. I write them anyway in the hope that God may use my experience for anothers benefit. I do not have some warped sense that I am in the place I am in today because God has designed it that way: I do believe that what I am doing right now is sinful and that it is NOT God's choice - but I also believe that God can use anything - even the wrong doing of someone and turn it into a beautiful thing. I don't know whether He will. I leve that to him - and write these words anyway.

I have been struggling with my weight and my food intake since Easter 2006, although the diet that led up to it started in January 2006. The issues I have with myself started much earlier. I don't think I had one defining moment where I went from self-confident, bubbly, chasing after holiness, filled with passion and potential to the person I am today. I think it happened slowly - peices of me dropping off as I walked through my (still very young) life. I only hope that I can get the strenth and desire to get through this and to become a new version of myself. To become who I can be, the person God made me to be. I am no longer trying to be who I was in the past. I am going to have to put her behind me because too much has happened since then. One can only move forward. I hope I will start going in the right direction sometime soon.

I don't want to give a long history. There is no point and it will get boring. Lets just say that what started as an attempt to lose a bit of weight for a friends wedding (at which I was to be a bridesmaid), ended up in an obsession with calorie counting and regular exercise. I slowly cut out more and more of my fairly specific diet plan. I started by trying to store up calories to use in the evenings and at weekends - but then started to see the potential of simply not using them in order to lose more weight. I started skipping meals. I eventually went to the gym after work every day in order to avoid dinner times at home. I ate a minimal amount each day. My weeks usually consisted of 1 hot meal, ryvita and a lot of sultanas and milk and I usually tried to throw up after eating. I had some days with nothing at all. I lost weight but this phase didn't last long enough. I didn't even get to 8 stone. I pushed it too hard, and ruined it for myself. I started to binge. Very infrequently at first, but it was still happening, and I started to use laxitives quite often, and quite a lot. Eventually my family found out and I had to start eating again. Properly. I was doing ok for a few weeks, but I suddenly found that I couldn't stop eating. I ate far too much and started putting my weight back on. I started throwing up more regularly. Since then it has been a journey of sometimes binging and throwing up and using laxitives. Sometimes overeating and for some reason being unable to throw up. Sonetimes eating nothing. My weight fluctuates between 9 stone and 10 stone constantly, and yet I am still so desperate to be 8 stone. I now see a counsellor and have very recently started talking to the GP about it. Bulimia nervosa is my diagnosis. I want to get better, and yet I don't. Mostly I just want to get thin.

So that's the intro. That's where I am. I hope you will read on.